Gaslighting can be tricky to spot, especially at work. Consider this scenario. You eventually admit to your boss that you don’t feel very valued at work. You are always being left out of important meetings, even ones you feel you were supposed to be in, you haven’t received a raise or any type of praise or recognition in ages and you often feel ignored or criticized.
Now, pay special attention to their response.
A gaslighter may say: “Don’t be ridiculous. Of course, you are valued. I don’t know where this is coming from. You are taking this way too personally. This is not what happened.”
Even though these words sound good, they are diminishing your experience.
A healthy answer would have been: “I’m sorry to hear that you feel this way. Please help me to understand what I’ve done to contribute to this and let’s find a way to improve this situation for you.”
The difference is subtle, but in the second response, your boss acknowledges your feelings and they want to understand your experience better. They also want to work with you to improve the situation. BIG DIFFERENCE!!
What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation. It causes people to doubt their own reality and second guess their feelings or experiences. The most horrific part is that it is done so subtly that it is often very hard to recognize when it’s happening to you.
A gaslighter might lie about things that have happened, deny or minimize the significance of your observations, call you out for being overly emotional, act hot and cold, accuse you of mistakes you didn’t make, leave you out of important meetings or discussions or even sabotage your work.
Why would someone do this?
Gaslighters themselves may feel insecure and threatened by others and they use gaslighting as a way to feel more powerful and in control. Instead of taking responsibility for their actions, they blame others, defend their position, justify their actions, manipulate, and displace their own issues or conflicts onto others. All to try and make themselves feel better.
How do you know you’re being gaslighted?
There are two ways to find out whether you are being gaslighted. The first is red flags you notice within yourself:
- You may feel that something is wrong, but you can’t put your finger on it. You may even think you’re the problem.
- You’re constantly second guessing yourself.
- You feel confused or even question your sanity.
- You have trouble making simple decisions.
- You don’t feel like yourself.
- You find yourself ruminating about conversations with your gaslighter.
- You’re apologizing even though you’re not sure you’re supposed to.
- You feel burned out and exhausted by the interpersonal dynamics.
- You have an entirely different narrative and feeling about your workplace than your supervisor’s.
The second way to figure out you are being gaslighted, is to pay attention to the red flags shown by the gaslighter:
- They will avoid taking responsibility and be quick to blame others for their mistakes.
- They easily criticize others, but cannot take any criticism themselves.
- They lack empathy.
- They need constant admiration and validations.
- They’re controlling (it’s my way or the highway).
- And they have poor boundaries.
What should you do if you think you are being gaslighted at work?
Recognize it
First thing is to recognize it -gaslighting can be incredibly harmful to your mental health, resulting in depression, anxiety, fear, self-doubt, feelings of helplessness, lowered self esteem and shattered confidence. Recognizing and acknowledging that you are being gaslighted is good for your own mental health and you will feel a rush of relief to know that it’s not your fault! You are not going crazy! You are not the problem!
Don't confront the gaslighter
The odds of a gaslighter acknowledging their behaviour and changing their ways are extremely slim. Especially if the gaslighter is your boss or superior, confronting them will rarely lead to a good outcome. Gaslighters are often skilled at deceiving others, which means you might not even get support from HR or other managers.
Find your support network
Whether it’s colleagues or friends outside of work, connect with people who know you well, who know your strengths and will support you through this experience. These need to be people who care about you and will help you to come back to reality when the gaslighter tries to manipulate you. You can also look for a therapist or counsellor who will be objective in their assessment and who will give you the tools and support you need to differentiate fact from fiction.
Keep a journal
Writing down conversations and incidents can help you to see things more clearly and remember what exactly happened. Being clear on what you did and what you said will make it harder for the gaslighter to convince you otherwise. You should also confirm appointments, agreements, and decisions via e-mail, leaving a record that you and others can refer to later.
Take back control of your own behaviour
If you are starting to doubt yourself, try to leave the conversation and recenter yourself before engaging with the gaslighter again. Make sure to spend enough time on self-care and practice being more assertive. If all else fails, consider leaving your job or trying to find a position elsewhere. Don’t let the gaslighter make you believe that you are not capable or competent. Nothing is more important than your own mental health.
Gaslighting has become such a reality that it was Marriam-Webster’s word of the year in 2022. The odds of being confronted with it at least once in your life is high. Being familiar with the signs of gaslighting and having some tools in your arsenal will help you deal with this disorientating phenomenon.
